La mia vita, o qualcosa gradisce quella
.............. finora
Monday, March 26, 2007
habibti...
Few people know this. I barely accepted it myself.
I've been in an "open relationship" for the past four years. And I've been unfair to him. I was never really serious about it, thinking he also felt the same way. Since we could not be together, with me here and him in London, it was impossible. We both agreed to see other people. However, just like the “tsinelas” theory, he kept on coming "home" to me. I on the other hand, fell in love with someone else. Someone near. Someone I could see and talk to whenever I want to.
He asked me to marry him. Yes, more than once. In his mind, he was sure that it would happen. But I never said yes. I was too afraid to take that risk. I found and gave a lot of reasons... I cannot leave the country. I don’t know him well. What if we change our minds after taking a transatlantic gamble. The list goes on and on…
I was afraid of our differences. First of all was religion. He’s a Muslim. To make matters worse, he’s not a Filipino. How different can we get, both in culture and in beliefs.
One thing he ALWAYS tells me is to try and listen to what I feel instead of following my head all the time. Those who know me are well aware that I think about EVERYTHING. I am ruled by my brain. He always says that I think too much. He was right. But I was powerless to change that fact.
I always tell him how much I envy him. For having the courage to risk everything in order to find something beautiful. Love. But I was not that brave. I wish I was.
I loved him. In my own way, I returned the affection he so openly and honestly gave me. But I know that I never gave back enough.
He already said goodbye. He was willing to let me go to find the love that I wanted. He left with a heavy heart. He envied the person who holds my heart. He was right. He came to my life first but he could never surpass the feelings I had for that person. I hurt him too much. I could never say sorry enough.
Baby,
I'm sorry.
For all the things I said and did that hurt you. For not loving you back the way you should be loved. For telling you about him.I know I will never be able to make it up to you.
You let me go, “to find the love that I was looking for and the one I never found with you.” I should be the one saying that not you. You deserve so much more that what I gave you.
I hope you will find the “love that will make you feel that you are living the best fairytale, ever.” You wanted to give that to me, but I was too blinded by the love that I had for someone else to appreciate what you were offering. I now wish the same thing for you. A girl who will love you with her whole heart and not just a part of it. Someone who will be there with you, to fulfill the wonderful dreams that you were building. You deserve the hapiness and love that you are so capable of giving away.
I’ll miss you.
Friday, March 23, 2007
a trip to national bookstore
I went to National Bookstore to buy an English-Chinese dictionary for my Mandarin class. Serious huh. :-) However, as usual, I made a "side trip" and alas! I ended up buying doggie books, hahaha!!! Anyway, that's not really surprising. Here are some of them...
"Humans think we are pack animals looking for a leader. Don't fall for it! Find out how to get your humans running their lives around you!"
Hahaha, nice book. I try to imagine dogs using the methods writen in this book to "influence" their caretakers. Hahaha. How cute :-)
"A wise Dog Person once described a perfect world as one which 'every dog would have a home, and every home would have a dog.' This book celebrates that special world and the people who share it with their best friends and devoted companions."
"This gift book is sure to delight all dog lovers. Here are seventy pictorial gems from photographer John Drysdale - some cute, some humorus, some bizarre - but all showing man's best friend as lovable and loving, with a terrific sense of fun and a great deal of affection for fellow creatures."By the way, I still haven't bought a Chinese dictionary :-D Yeah, I'm bad. But who on earth could resist those cutie doggies!!! Hahaha! :-) I actually have more new doggie books, but I'll reserve them for next time, hehehe :-) By the way, donations in the form of a Chinese-English dictionary (Mandarin Chinese please) is very much welcome!! :-) Hahahaa!!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
this special day..
There was a time when all I wished for was to spend this special day with you.
I had that chance. And yes, I enjoyed every minute of it. Even if I had to share you. Even if it was the begining of the end, I still treasure the smallest detail of it in my mind. That specific space in time was mine.
Now all I could do is wonder. Do you even remember me? Do you still think about me? Do you miss me, as much as I missed you?
The gap between us has become too wide. I'm not sure if the friendship is strong enough for us to be able to get through this.
My heart has become too defensive and too afraid of more pain that would come from you. I've been hurt too much. I have cried too much.
I'm not completely closing my doors, but I'm leaving the safety chain on. I'm sick and tired of being the villain all the time. For once, I'd like to think of myself too. I loved much, I forgot that I have feelings as well. I also let the other people involved forget that small fact. I won't let that happen anymore.
Friday, March 02, 2007
as the time draws near...
Did I ever tell you I named him Aspen?? When you gave me the paper bag with Aspen in it, I was so ecstatic. I wanted to hug you sooooo hard but I know I can't. All I could do was to sit in that damn chair and thank you. But then you said you didn't have a choice but to buy him because when you went to the store and reserve one for me, it was the last stock they had. Okay. I didn't know what you meant by THAT. Aspen is currently with a good friend. I had to ask her to keep him for a while. I couldn't bear to see him in my room. I still can't. But yes, I plan to have him back. Because he came from you. 
One of the last place I have been with you. Also the first and last time we went to mass together. I asked God to give me a sign if we were meant to be connected for a lifetime (just as friends mind you). I guess He answered my prayer. We were not.
I could still imagine you sitting there. Beside me. Do you still remember what happened? She told you I was crying. I denied it. You told me to stop because we will see each other again. You even said I could stay if I really wanted to. I don't know why, but when you said that, I wanted to tell you that there won't be a next time. Guess I was right. Do you know why I cried? I was staring at Aspen that time and I suddenly felt that he was the first and last gift that I would ever receive from you. I was so sure that I was going to lose you. I couldn't explain why. Gut feeling? Intuition? Probably. It was not losing you in the romantic sense that got to me. It was losing you as a friend, because from the start, that was more important to me than any other feelings I had for you. I kept on asking why I had to lose you just when I was starting to feel as if I mattered to you. That I was also a part of your life. Yes, I was never confident of my place in your world, because you never gave me a reason to believe otherwise.I have been pondering on whether to talk to you or just leave things as they are. Would talking to you change anything? Probably. Probably not. I would never know for sure until I do it, right?
I remember you saying that pride never made anybody happy. I guess. However, we are both too stubborn. That was one of the things we have in common. I have been asking myself if pride was the only thing stopping me. I know that it's not. I am simply avoiding saying things I shouldn't. I wanted to "sanitize" everything. However if I do, I wouldn't have anything to left to say. Except maybe what I still feel...
I'm still clueless as to what path I should take. But I know that the time to talk to you is drawing near.
I guess I'll just have to cross the bridge when I get there.
Reloj
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